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25 March 2010

The TOP 20 WORST Movies of the last Decade

I made this as an article for the time I had a website running, and since this Blog is the closest I will get to that, here it goes. This is part 1 of 2, a series dedicated mostly to render the movies I liked the most and hated the most during the last decade (from 2000 to 2009). We shall start with the worst ones so when the good ones arrive you have a perspective of all the bullshit we had to put up with during this decade. Let's go!

Now you will have to excuse me for many things, so instead of rules I am giving you guys a series of apologies, starting with the directors of so many movies.

1: I am very sorry for giving you hopes that somebody might want to watch your so called “movies”. I just want to tell you I am sorry for giving you guys false hopes.
2: I am also sorry for the brief, potty-mouthed descriptions. I either haven’t watch the movie in its entirety, or I am so angry at it I don’t even want to waste more time of my life talking about it.
3: This list is a mix of my personal choices and the list that Rotten Tomatoes did…That doesn’t mean they represent my opinion, and don’t expect this to be full of Uwe Boll’s filmography. I have more imagination than them.

20. - Babel.

Oh boy, this one is tough. I put it this low on the list because every pretentious and so called deep film critic in the world said the wonders about this movie. All you need to know is that the movie takes place in several countries but that every character speaks English (and that they don’t understand each other if they are from different cultures). You also need to know that it’s done by the guy who made Sean Penn and Naomi Watts overact more than what they usually do in his previous movie “21 grams”. Finally, you also need to know that this piece of bullshit nagged Best Original Music for a soundtrack that sounds like somebody tuning a guitar, stealing it from “Pan’s Labyrinth”. I demand a police investigation.

19. - Swept Away.

            Guy Ritchie made this movie with his ex-wife Madonna. It was about a couple who get outcast in a desert island. The movie makes reading the phone guide a thrilling plan for the afternoon. Also, Madonna shows off more muscle than the Mr. Olympia competition. This killed Ritchie’s career…But he got better with “Sherlock Holmes”.

18. - The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

            For more reference to what’s wrong with this movie, check Robot Chicken’s sketch in season 3. If 20th Century FOX has produced nothing but crap since 2002 before releasing “AVATAR” it’s because of this movie.

17. - Rollerball (remake)

            Shameful remake from the fantastic sci-fi cult classic of the same name, this movie is noisy, boring, and incredibly stupid. It also has a fragment of 25 minutes filmed in night vision. The director of “Taxi” and “Leon” deserves to be run over with a spiked motorbike.

16. - Super Babies: Baby geniuses 2.

            I will just say this movie makes you want to set fire to the maternity wings of every hospital in the world.

15. - Gigli.

            This movie features Christopher Walken and Al Pacino. It also has a scene where a guy gets his brains shoot inside a fish tank. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez discuss which one is better, the penis or the vagina. A girl cuts off her wrists in all graphic detail. We also have a mentally challenge kid talking about how he masturbates. I am not making any of this up.

14. - Pinocchio.

            You know what? Before Tom Cruise jumped on the couch of Oprah Winfrey, we had Roberto Benigni bouncing on the Academy Awards over the extremely surprised Billy Bob Thornton and Steven Spielberg. He stole three academy awards (from Tom Hanks, John Williams and Spain respectively) and then he went to make a movie based on Pinocchio. A 40-something year old guy…playing Pinocchio…Yeah, fuck off then.

13. - Superman Returns

            Is “AVATAR” really the most expensive movie of all time? No it’s not, this one is. “AVATAR” costed 230 millions, while “Superman Returns” costed 400 millions. The box office of this movie didn’t even give enough to make it again. This is why Bryan Singer’s next movie was “Valkyrie”. There are no superheroes or lots of flying scenes in that movie. It also doesn’t suck like a fucking parasite worm.

12. - Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

            Yeah, animation is not safe from its flops this decade, and this one may be one of the biggest. Describe it anyways, Spirit is a flawed up movie about a revolutionary concept executed with the ass: Blending 3D with 2D to try making animated movies more cinematic. While the story was absolutely lousy, and it had the boresome, tiresome and just godawful voice over by Maaaaaaat Daaaaaamon, the technique itself didn’t work. It was like trying to make stuffed animals with paper. The soundtrack, by Hanzs Zimmer, doesn’t make the movie any better.

11. - Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

            Not the last videogame based movie of the list. I will keep it short and simple saying that it makes the Raul Julia and Jean Claude Van Damme movie a masterpiece, reassuring its status of “Bad-Awesome Cult Movie”.

10. - Epic Movie

            This movie makes constant rip offs and easy jokes to movies like “Harry Potter”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, “The Chronicles of Narnia” and what not. There’s a part where the guy who played the dad of Michael J Fox in “Back to the Future” plays Willy Wonka and makes candy with poop and human remains. This movie is one of the many consequences from the Pluto Nash incident.

9. - Freddy got fingered.

            Tom Green…He masturbates a horse, eats green sandwiches, guts animals to wear their skins, bathes with a scuba suit, and accuses his father of abusing from his brother…before masturbating an elephant over him. He also draws furries…Moving on.

8. - La Soledad.

            A Spanish movie, of course, because we have our crap too. A movie about a lot of people who you don’t care about where the camera doesn’t fucking move, the actors don’t fucking act, and there’s no fucking music or fucking anything to tell or care about. We have five minutes of a woman doing her shopping, boringly. Then we have two minutes of a woman bathing, unattractively. Then the movie gets 3 Awards in the Spanish Academy of films and arts. The next morning, 2400 people woke up with their faces torn apart and their finger nails covered in blood. Mulder and Scully are still on the case.

7. - Dragonball Evolution

            This is what happens when you leave your franchise to those who don’t know how to treat it. We can say that this is exactly what happened with every X-Men and Spiderman movie, but this is the first time that hit me so close to home. I know Dragonball by heart, and just knowing this movie exists hurts my soul. Again, another consequence from the Pluto Nash incident.

6. - Peter Pan: Return to Neverland

            This is what you get when you put those who control the theme park rides inside an animation studio and give them free roam to make drawings. The alternative uses to this movie are: Raw weed removal, childhood-destroying method, making Bruce Banner turn into The Hulk, and as alternative fuel source. Note: Shortly after writing this the use of alternative fuel source was discarded due to excess of pollution.

5. - Son of the Mask

            I can’t explain how fucking annoying and terrible this movie is. You know all the previous bad movies I just put in the list? Put them all together in a blender, mix them and multiply their badness and awfulness by 200 million elevated to the fucking four hundred power. The result is not even close to how bad Son of the Mask is. Watching this movie makes me want to gut the producers and director and feed them their own intestines until they digest themselves. Nasty? This movie features green sperm. Who’s nasty now?

4. - Alone in the Dark

            Okay, look…You all know how bad this is, okay? I just put it in the list because Uwe Boll deserves a mention. He made a bunch of horrible movies this decade, and this one is the worst of them all. Still, believe it or not, it’s the most watchable of them all, especially if you are with somebody else. I wouldn’t recommend any movie except this one, so check it out to have some fun on a Saturday night with some friends after you had a couple of whisky bottles and some pot.
3. - Tiro en la Cabeza.

            From the director of “La Soledad”. This time the movie has no dialogue, no music, not even sound, and it supposedly tells how a French cop was murdered by an E.T.A. commando in France. This is the epitome of bad taste, in shape, form, style and concept. This is the kind of movie that makes me regret being Spanish. Where the hell did I put my copy of “.Rec”?

2. - Battlefield Earth

            I have never watched this movie…Well, I watched the first 4 hours (aka, the first 20 minutes) and I can say it’s an unbearable piece of absolute crap. John Travolta killed his career, Forest Whitaker tainted his, and the rest of actors couldn’t even recover. Scientology, oh thee, you gave us almost the biggest stinker of the decade. Fear not citizens, the biggest stinker comes from another overrated sci-fi writer.

1. - A Sound of Thunder

            As Jack the Ripper said, let’s go by parts: Story. The Ray Bradbury novel tells the story of a group of scientists that go back in time, change something and when they return Hitler has invaded Europe. The Peter Hyamms piece of crap tells the story of a company who makes time-travels, change something and the world of the future evolves back to the dinosaur era with mutated creatures. The Ray Bradbury novel is about science morals and how our decisions affect our future. The Peter Hyamms piece of crap is about how shooting mutants is cool and about how you waste money. The budget for this movie was 80 million dollars (that’s 50 million more than “District 9”). The total Box office was of 11 million. If this movie is number 1 on the list is not because the special effects are terrible, or the acting hammier than George Lucas’ screenplays, or because it is plain unbearable and physically hazardous. The reason why is it here, in the unprivileged position it’s because of the giant hole it left in the movie economy. This is the biggest flop of the decade, and well worth it. I hope everyone who worked on the movie got bone, throat, heart and lungs cancer, because they all deserve a slow, painful death.

1 comment:

  1. Cerulean Starlight ♂30 June 2011 at 08:56

    Oh, "The Legend of Chun-Li".
    I only watched that for the One Block Radius songs.