Yes, we have a Search Option

10 April 2010


When making this list there’s a lot of personal preference involved. It has to do with my own personal experience with the game and how the public reacted to it. What’s most important in this kind of lists though, is the very word that defines the videogame world nowadays: Hype. Hype is what kills everything in this world, and even though most of the entries in this list have a hype level in negative numbers, it is a factor to take into account (a very important one for that matter). So, without further a due, let’s go for the 15 games that have plagued the nightmares of gamers during the last decade.

15. - Final Fantasy X.

            Oh yeah, I love those fanboy complains, please keep ‘em coming I am hungry! Let’s be honest here people, Final Fantasy X has only a couple of saving graces but the whole is so godawful, so stinking in its rottenness and stagnation that I am surprised how hypocrite all you guys are. You may say the combat is good, and the music is beautiful (two things that don’t count for Final Fantasy since, like, FF IV) but you guys can go dive under a fucking tractor if you try to defend Tidus as a likeable character. He. Is. Insufferable. Every time he talks, every time he mugs at the camera, every time he runs away spouting five year old blabber or every time he just exists he is an insult to FF Heroes! To put this douche bag piece of blonde shit in the same level of Cecil from FF IV or Squall from FF VIII is a fucking insult. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

14. - Wii Music.

            Don’t get me started on this one please. This game and no other is the fault that now the videogame market is populated by casual bait pieces of shit games. Those who played subjected themselves to hours of blowing their WiiMotes as if they were playing a saxophone. Bill Clinton joke is hidden in there somewhere.

13. - Bionic Commando.

            I was in between Resident Evil 5 and this one to put here as one of Capcom’s worst games of the decade. Then I remembered that as horrible as Resident Evil 5 was, at least it was playable and it had a memorable villain. The most memorable thing in Bionic Commando was the impossibility of getting out of the water and dying for being up to your chest in the hedgehog killing liquid.

12. - Tony Hawk’s gimmicky motion control game.

            I don’t even bother with the title as Tony Hawk didn’t bothered finishing the product. This game is so bad only one living being in the world can play it. That living being is a dog. Not even Tony Hawk can play his own game.

11. - Every Madden game made between 2000 and 2009.

            Fuck you, you fat ass hotdog munching corporate black hole of a human being. Expansion packs! DLC! Have you heard of that!?

10. - Every single movie tie-in game (that is not Spiderman 2 or Wolverine)

            With those two exceptions here go every single other movie tie-in game ever released, from Superman Returns to Charlie’s Angels, videogames based on movies have sucked up and down the stage of the decade without mercy. Not even “AVATAR: The Game” has saved itself form being in this. You got to give us something else besides a Gears of War knock of that doesn’t allow you to duck.

9. - Pokémon Channel.

            Wow, a franchise based on training and taking care of your Pokémon and it has a game where your main objective is watching the TV. My God guys, I can’t believe there’s still people defending this.

8. - Bomberman: Act Zero.

            I can picture the scene soooo well: “Okay guys, here’s a game called Halo, and here’s another called Gears of War. I want you to mix them with our character”, “But sir…Our character is a pink and blue chubby kid that throws bombs to his enemies in a maze”, “SHUT UP! YOU DO WHAT I AM TELLING YOU TO DO!” “But sir, kids don’t like that kind of thing”, “YES THEY DO! BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!” We all know the result.

7. - Sonic 2006 (the PS3 version in particular)

            Glitched games are less and less frequent in this day and age. Developers have more time to complete their titles, and they release them after a good couple of play tests to see if their creations feature any terrible or impossible glitches that might make the game unplayable. That is, until Sonic 2006. The game featured so many glitches that it got to the edge of ridicule. The Xbox 360 version of this game is less glitchy but it doesn’t make things any better, trust my word on this.

6. - Every Wii/DS game with the “Imagine…” title.

            I don’t even want to talk about this videogame series. Whether it actually serves a purpose or not, it makes one whip when you go to the store and you see “Chronno Trigger” out of the charts, which are dominated by the entire collection “Imagine…” This is what has happened to gaming nowadays. I need to prepare my casual flamethrower.

5. - Fable 1 and 2.

            Do you guys remember the hype I was talking about before? Well, here goes like 95% of the World’s hype, thanks to over pretentious jack-off baguette-eating French prick Peter Molineux. Fable 1 and 2 are not bad games, but they are not even close to what this guy promised us. Open environments: Bullshit. Character customization: Bullshit. Moral system: Bullshit. Epic battles: Bullshit. Not even fighting creatures was interesting, because there were like 3 or 4 types of different enemies, and they all were lame as fuck! It’s one of the most over-rated, over-hyped, flawed filled, pointless populated videogame series of all time. Let’s hope they sink with fucking Natal.

4. - Alone in the Dark V.

            Another dose of hype is served as we enter into a videogame that is even way glitchier and fucked up in controls than fucking Sonic 2006. Alone in the Dark is a game that promised a crap ton of videogame innovations like hyper-advanced fire physics and cinematic gameplay, but that got butchered by the biggest foe of all: Time. Atari released this game before finishing it, and the flaws are so terrible that we need no more evidence to realize what’s incredibly obvious. The controls are crippled for every single gameplay style featured (FPS, 3rd PS, driving), the physics engine is halfway done, the story is half-assed and the female character is so loathable you just want to bash her head against a fire nailed wall. It is curious that both Alone in the Dark the movie and Alone in the Dark V the videogame are featured in both my list for worst things ever in the last decade. Too bad they don’t have novels…do they?

3. - Daikatana.

            You know what? I have never played this game. I have only played one John Romero game, and that is Doom. This guy is, probably, the biggest schmuck in the videogame industry. Just look at his grin, look at his long black hair like he is trying to be edgy but not extremely so, look at the way he looks at you as if you are a lesser being that doesn’t have the awesomeness he has. John Romero promised a FPS that was going to be the ultimate revolution in gaming for PC shooters. The result was a broken mess that was even more unfinished than Alone in the Dark V. Go fuck yourself Johnny.

2. - Big Rigs.

            This game is so (in)famous I just need a couple of words to describe it and make it recognizable to you: It’s a game about big trucks that go through walls and houses. I have yet to understand how they could ship this to the stores. Still, not the worst of the decade, oh no. This game had no hype, this game surely took around 4 months to finish, and even with that nobody was looking forward to this game. So which one can be worst than that?

1. - Too Human.

            Oh yes guys, I am picking this one as the worst game of the decade. This game hurts me all over my body, and I feel like a rape victim that has to go through trial because I was squeezing my ass to much during the abuse. Too Human is a game released and developed by Sylicon Knights, the guys who made “Eternal Darkness”. That alone is hurting me already, so much so that I could end the rant right here…but I won’t. It took them ten years to release the game, programming it for the first Playstation, then going to the GameCube and finally landing on an Xbox 360 exclusive, and the result couldn’t be more mangled. The music is forgettable, the level design is repetitive, the story is a messy mash up of The Matrix and the Nord Mythology and the controls are the worst controls I have ever witnessed in my life. You may clock up to 30 hours playing the main storyline, but 10 of those hours will be just you witnessing how your character is taken to the heaven by a Valkyrie in a thirty second cutscene that you can’t skip. This game hurts, and it’s even more painful since it comes from the makers of one of the best videogames ever made. I say Sylicon Knights should put down Too Human, and use that money to finish the Eternal Darkness series. Do like BioWare! LISTEN TO THE FANS!

1 comment:

  1. I seriously agree with your top 15 worst games... it all makes sense now XD